Anger

Anger is the warning mode of biology.

Anger—growling, baring teeth, tail rattling, aggressive posturing—is intended to

avoid physical conflict.

Anger is a boundary display. It is an essential evolutionary strategy to intimidate

intruders and convince them to retreat and avoid a damaging fight.

Basic primitive anger is not violence, it prevents violence.

In a functional, feelingaware person, anger is not bad. To the contrary, it can help set and maintain healthy boundaries when they have not been respected. When the system is functioning, any sign of unfairness, manipulation, intimidation, disregard, betrayal, or deception produces a little warning—irritation, frustration, or annoyance. That small dose of anger can awaken us and allow for constructive action to address and avoid a conflict before it even occurs. How many times have we had that feeling and brushed it off—only to end up in some messy, upsetting situation.

If we hear the whisper of biologic anger we can actually avoid getting angry! At times when boundary harassment is unrelenting, however, we may have to “growl” and show our final hard line.

Old Anger

If a child, however, has boundaries violated over and over through abuse and neglect, a tremendous amount of pain is buried. If their natural boundary anger is crushed and cannot protect them, the anger builds like a massive time bomb. All it takes is one trigger to set it off.

We've all experienced it—someone making an innocent comment and the other person exploding in anger. Someone easing in front of another car, and then a car chase and a yelling match. Someone making a constructive suggestion and the other person storming out of the room.

When the reaction is far greater than the triggering incident, it usually indicates unresolved emotional pain and anger from another time.

This anger—disconnected from the present situation—is not healthy anger. Old, unresolved anger can definitely be destructive to health, relationships, communities, and can result in violence, murder, and war.

Fear and rejection of this “bad” anger has unfortunately blinded us to the tremendous value of healthy boundary anger—which actually prevents violence.

Various religious leaders often state that, “Anger sows the seeds of more anger,” imploring us to never feel it, which is literally impossible. Even revered Vietnamese Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh is quoted as saying, “I promise not to water the seed of anger in me.”

There is, however, another point of view, illustrated in the parable, “The Snake Who Did Not Hiss,” by Ramakrishna Paramahansa. In that story, a wandering holy man meets a huge cobra who has been terrorizing a village. He advises the snake to stop biting the villagers, and then goes on his way. Days later, he returns to find the cobra beaten up by the village boys. The cobra whispers, “I did what you said. I stopped biting the people—but the boys attacked me.” The holy man shook his head sadly and replied, “But snake, I didn't tell you not to hiss.”

The message is simple but profound. If we do not use our natural boundary behaviours, those boundaries will be violated and we will be abused. Personal boundary problems are epidemic, and the demonization of healthy anger is often the cause.

Overreacting and Underreacting

If we frequently and regularly get angry, argue, yell, or fight, we are likely overreacting. Some may suggest that perhaps these reactions are a reasonable response to an abusive or unfair situation. If that was true, why has this person not found a way to resolve the situation by, at the very least, leaving it? Destructive patterns that repeat and repeat are always a sign of a personal issue because every organism is designed to solve problems and move forward.

Rather than being argumentative, perhaps we are very agreeable. We yield to the wishes and demands of others, consider our needs unimportant, but find ourselves unfulfilled, resentful, passive aggressive, confused and unsatisfied. Again, if this is a long-standing pattern of behaviour, it is a sign of a suppressed anger response and boundary collapse. The anger is not gone—it shows up in simmering resentment, the quiet “payback” of passive aggression, and the sad edginess of dissatisfaction.

Recognition and Understanding

With all personal problems it's essential to judge whether we are reacting realistically. Are we overreacting (exploding), underreacting (submitting), or perceiving things accurately? With some honest reflection we may be able to assess this ourselves, but sometimes it's helpful to include outside viewpoints. When our dysfunctional patterns come into focus we can begin the process of understanding— mapping out the elements and dynamics of these tangles.

These patterns are anchored in hundreds of regular incidents that often occur every day—not just the big explosions or white-hot resentments. By journalling, talking to good friends, or investigating with a trusted and experienced therapist, we can start to see details in the landscape.

We may see simple, essential things, such as how sleep deprivation creates physical irritation. Or we may see complex things like how our entire career is a friction- creating mismatch. It may appear that we're agreeable because we don't know what we want. It might become clear that we don't know how to enter a discussion with a fast and convincing speaker—and begin to despise them. Or we may get the chills when we recognize that our behaviour is identical to our 10 year old self.

Making Adjustments

In games like chess, early moves can lead to traps and losses. When we understand the game better, we can avoid problems by making different advance moves. The same is true in all aspects of life.

When we see the repeating patterns that lead to conflicts we can learn to “wind back” the “video” and see the actions and situations that brought it about. That can allow us to adjust certain aspects of our behaviour so that our anger does not need to be triggered. It can also allow us to see the people and circumstances that may be worth avoiding.

We may recognize, for instance, that we get agitated and lash out when there is too much stimulus or chaos. Being well-prepared in advance of such situations and making choices to limit engagement with the chaos may help. Some people may be difficult to deal with and therefore better to avoid or limit conversations with. If we get stuck in commitments because we can't say no, we can practice creating a “pause” by saying, “I'll get back to you on that.”

Deep Roots

Although understanding and making adjustments is wise, these tactics will not completely eliminate anger issues because they have deep, old roots. You may plan to limit conversations with a person but can't stop “taking the bait” of their provocative statements. If these patterns are explored by “slowing down” the initial trigger sequence, you will likely find an old situation and feeling at the centre of it. If, for instance, this person goads you like your father did, there may be a powerful urge to push back the way you never could.

Such a realization may have many truths attached:

• I seek out people like this so I can finally beat my father
• My anger is not really about this person
• That's why I can't resist getting into these arguments
• Unresolved anger about my father's abuse has affected much of my life
• I feel the anger in my system and need to get it out without hurting others
• I feel really sad about my behaviour and the good things I've missed because of it

Expressive Therapy

Therapy is often about understanding and adjusting our behaviour. But what about the drive behind the behaviour? If a pot of water is boiling, we can be careful, we can take the lid off, we can use oven mitts to handle it, but it will keep boiling until we turn down the heat source.

All problematic behaviours have a source, a driving force behind them. Awareness and adjustments are valid and useful, but if those sources are painful traumas and powerful negative conditioning, the “fire” will keep the pot close to a boil.

Sometimes it's helpful to “blow off steam” by ranting by yourself, hitting a bag, yelling in a parked car, or running down the road. If that keeps you from exploding and dumping anger on someone else, that's fine. Removing the lid does relieve the pressure in the pot, but the burner is still on and the heat will build back up. Ultimately, persistent anger patterns require “cooling” the source.

With any emotional issue, the path toward resolution is always the same:

• recognize it
• understand how it manifests
• understand how it has affected your life
• investigate the origins of the emotion/pattern
• explore the feelings
• express the feelings in a safe, guided, responsible manner

• integrate the insights of those expressions with your life
• take constructive actions and adjustments in your life

These items are easy to list, but challenging to do. Since strong, traumatic feelings are protected by resilient patterns of defense, such an adventure requires commitment, persistence, and experienced support. A little “digging” can provide substantial reward, while an extended investment will yield steady returns. Every person and every emotional structure is unique.

Negotiating Conflicts

In relationships, whether with partners, family, colleagues, or friends, repeating conflicts are never all one person's fault. Even if we're always being rational and the other person is not, there is a reason—and our responsibility—that we keep stepping into it. It may seem impossible to disengage from repeated conflicts, but there's always a way, regardless of how high the stakes may appear.

Since “it takes two to tango,” resolving repeating conflicts requires a commitment from both parties as well as a skilled mediator/therapist to oversee and direct. Conflict mediation requires more than the common empathy and listening skills of usual therapy. It requires a mediator who is neutral, confident, and active in controlling the interaction, balancing the sharing, shining a light on statements and patterns, as well as pausing and/or slowing the process when things get heated.

The entire purpose of a conflict mediation is to allow both parties to better understand their own internal feelings and triggers as well as understanding the feelings and dynamics of the other. The greater mutual understanding there is, the more likely practical agreements can eventually be made—even if those agreements are about taking a break or parting company.

Another important aspect of skilled conflict mediation is for both parties to discover the source and triggers of their own anger. Once these things are known, the triggered person can take preemptive actions, while the “trigger” person—knowing what sets the other person off—can alter the ways they communicate.

There are many, many elements that drive conflicts, and all people involved— including those who don't display anger—bear some responsibility for unwinding the tangle.

Making Better Life Choices

Our unresolved anger not only drives us into conflicts, it can play a part in how we unconsciously choose situations that lead to conflict. If, for instance, we hold repressed anger towards a parent or sibling, our systems will be looking for somewhere to dump that charge, much like a cloud will discharge a lightning bolt into the closest tree. Sometimes it's not just a matter of being trigger happy and blowing up people, it can be more stealthy—we find someone to subtly irritate until they react—and then we have the excuse to blast them.

The myriad cases and styles of conflicts don't just happen by accident. In many cases people choose these situations because of their own unresolved anger issues. If we get tired of the conflict in our lives it is important to know that it is in our power to wake up to what is going on inside and make better life choices.

This is easier said than done, but one thing is certain—we are unlikely to change others, but we can change ourselves. This is true because any problems in us are within our own field of experience—and action. We can't get inside someone else— but we are inside ourselves. Our inner landscape may seem foggy but it is our fog and we can find ways to allow that fog to lift.

Not only can we learn to step away from conflicts, we can learn to choose situations that are more harmonious. We can learn to sense situations and people that are troublesome to us. Don't like rain? Then don't travel somewhere during the rainy season.

How many times have we entered a situation, got an uncomfortable feeling—and ignored or glossed over it? If we look back at the big conflict situations in our lives— from friendships, business dealings to marriages—some part of us noticed something that foreshadowed the whole problem. With greater awareness, we can pay attention and learn to see and feel the signs, slow down, and check them out.

In conclusion, the more we understand anger the more we can use it as a warning— and not abuse ourselves or others. The more we can process and transform anger the clearer we can see life—and walk through it with confidence and grace.