Being Okay

The Big 4 emotions (and their spectrums) are:

fear—anxiety

anger—frustration

depression—sadness

shame—self-doubt

and

joy—happiness

Clearly, the Big 4 are what we struggle with and come to therapy for. The fifth spectrum, joy—happiness, is not considered problematic—but its absence is. In fact, throughout history, the search for happiness may be one thing that links all cultures and religions.

Joy is wonderful, but it is, by definition, a fleeting experience. It is an emotional “high” that can't be maintained because it is, biologically, a hormonal peak. Forcefully maintaining it would be stressful, erode the system and result in a crash.

Happiness, though less extreme than joy, cannot be maintained either. Why? Because life—even for the rich and powerful—does not deliver exclusively happy situations. Weather changes. Age happens. Illness appears. Accidents happen. Loved ones leave, get sick, and die.

What about contentment? It is also interrupted by the situations of life. If I'm feeling content and a heavy downpour floods the basement, I'm not feeling content when bailing out the water in the middle of the night. I won't be feeling happiness or joy, either.

What I might be feeling is okay.

What does that mean? It means that I accept the flood as a fact of life and take action in the moment. I'm fully engaged with the experience. I'm with the water and I'm with my tiredness. It's not pleasant, it's not fun, and I'm not joyful or happy.

But—I am okay with it as-it-is. Because it is.

I might not prefer it. I may not wish it. I might not like it—but it is what it is—and

that's what life serves up.

This state of okayness is rarely spoken about. It's not exciting, it's not a high, it's not

something to “write home about.” It is, however, attainable and sustainable.

This reminds me of a section of Chapter 35 in the Tao Teh Ching:

But what the Tao has to offer

Seems so thin and tasteless!

Looked at, it cannot be seen;

Listened to, it cannot be heard.

But use it and its supply never fails.

Tao is the ancient Chinese word for the indescribable truth, essence, and power of the universe. It's there like the air we breathe—essential but so all-encompassing that it goes unnoticed.

Being Okay is also right here in us if we allow our inner tangles to loosen.

It has been said that addictions of all kinds—from food and work to cocaine and heroin—are not really attempts to get high, but attempts to feel normal, to feel okay.

Though some addictions can be created by the biologic affect of the substance (like opioids), most addictions are an attempt to manage the inner stress and pain of trauma and destructive conditioning. When the Big 4 emotions are chronic we do anything we can to level them out and feel okay.

In a sense, okayness is our baseline state, waiting for us—if we are not struggling with unresolved issues. It is the state of all animals when they are simply living day to day. There may be challenges, but they just deal with them. When it's time for a bird to fly thousands of kilometers it doesn't complain, it doesn't whine, it doesn't cry or scream at the universe, it just flies. It does what it needs to do. It does not waste energy fighting reality.

Being okay with reality is highly efficient. And being highly efficient, it saves tremendous energy that can be used for full-scale living. When, for instance, we spend days worrying and worrying about some imagined disaster that doesn't end up happening, we have, above all, wasted massive amounts of energy. It's very difficult to “do” life well—even think clearly—when we're exhausted.

The First Step in Being Okay

The first step in being okay is to recognize that the state of “being okay” exists.

Being okay is not a high.

Being okay is not a situation to attain.

Being okay is not being happy or being comfortable, because life isn't like that.

Being okay is being with life-as-it-is.

Wishing things were different is not being with life-as-it-is. That would be using a thought pattern to distance yourself from life-as-it-is.

If the baby is sick at 3 am and you have to work in the morning, it's difficult and exhausting—but it is what it is. Being angry and resentful only drains energy. If you are okay with it—being with what is—no energy is lost in negative thoughts and resistance. Like an olympic marathon runner hitting “the wall,” you will put all your attention in the moment, what needs to be adjusted, what needs to be done—and just do it.

How to Be Okay

This is the puzzling part.

A student once asked a Zen master about the secret of life. The master answered, “When you are hungry, eat. When you're tired, sleep.”

This may sound ridiculously simple, but it's true. It may seem ridiculously easy, but it's not. Most of us are filled with so many troubling emotions and whirlwinds of thought that we don't notice when we're hungry, or we eat for comfort not for hunger. We're exhausted but we can't sleep, and when we sleep we are full of stressful dreams.

We can do what the Zen master says if we feel okay, but we don't feel okay. If we could dissolve all our inner struggles we just might feel okay—and then be with life as-it-is.

That's the answer.

We need to slowly and methodically resolve the blockages and dysfunctional patterns that get in the way of being okay.

Allowing Okay to Happen

A man searches for his glasses for hours and looks in the mirror to discover they are sitting on his head. He was stressed. He was angry. He was worried he would miss a meeting. He criticized himself for losing them. He criticized his family for misplacing them. He created mountains of thoughts and masses of inner stress. He thought they were gone—but the reality is they were there the whole time.

That's life. It's right here but we are tangled, tormented, and distressed with thoughts and distractions. The traumas and dysfunctional patterns that drive these excessive behaviours are difficult to resolve, but since we are life, all it takes is one second to pause and—here it is.

Okayness is not a building we have to construct, it's an ever-present state we only have to allow.

So while we work on our process there's no need to wait until it's “finished” and we're “perfect” to be okay. It is always there and can appear at any time.

Just allow for the possibility.

You're okay.