Conflict and the Conscious Relationship

We are conceived in relationship, born in relationship, and raised in relationship.

It is in relationship that our needs are met—or not. It is in relationship that we get hurt, and it is in relationship that we must be healed. As social animals, this is our nature.

Although solitude can be a helpful aspect of healing, solitude alone can never fully heal us. When we are broken, it is within relationship that we become whole.

As dependent infants, our needs must be fulfilled by our parents or primary caregivers. If this relationship is flawed, the injury—and adjustments to that injury— create patterns that repeat into adulthood in an attempt to fulfill the unmet needs.

Children with emotionally distant parents will often repeat that pattern by finding themselves attracted to emotionally distant partners. Though they are not able to get what they need from these substitutes, there is something compelling about these distant people—something very familiar (from the Latin for family). The child never had their parents, but what they did have was the struggle to reach them. With this emotional projection of the past onto the present day, we may feel compelled to change or fix our "partner/parent" and finally get the intimacy we long for. Unfortunately, since our partner is not our ideal all-caring parent, this never works.

This projection of the past onto the present is called "transference"—we transfer our childhood needs onto others, and that may include teachers, doctors and therapists. When this happens it's as if we are sleepwalking in the here-and-now, lost in a dream from there-and-then.

It is no wonder relationships can be so difficult.

When the dysfunctional entanglement of projection occurs and both parties are unaware of these dynamics, the relationship is what I call "unconscious." When, on the other hand, both partners are aware that some of their behaviour is driven by earlier roots, the relationship becomes more "conscious."

In the casual language of therapy, some professionals call these projections “our stuff." When our stuff gets triggered by our partner's behaviour, we either "act it in," "act it out," or "own it." When we "act in" we hold the emotional pain in our bodies, which can cause tension, headaches, and other physical illnesses. When we "act out," we unleash the emotional pain on others, "dumping" feelings on them from our past imprints. Both acting in and acting out do not directly heal (and cause real damage) because the root cause of the pain is not addressed, understood, fully felt and released. We either blame ourselves (act in) or blame others (act out).

These old wounds were done to us and are not originally our fault, but we must take responsibility that, as imprints, they do reside in us now. To heal, we must "own" our feelings—admit that they are ours now—and work to resolve them.

In practice, “owning” your old feelings refers to exploring and expressing them in a safe and responsible way which does not abuse others or injure yourself.

A conscious relationship exists when both partners are aware and accept that they each carry old stuff. Both partners also need to recognize that invariably, each one brings some old stuff into every conflict—every one. Even when it may appear that your partner is totally to blame, there will be some aspect of your own stuff that causes, allows, or maintains the conflict.

This realization is vital to the success of every relationship. Without it, each partner is likely to believe they are totally in the right (and their partner totally wrong) and escalate simple conflicts into all-out wars. Although some people take the blame in order to "make nice," they usually harbour resentment toward themselves or their partner, hidden feelings that inevitably fuel another conflict.

Recognizing that it "takes two to tango" is a gigantic step towards a conscious, therapeutic relationship. With this awareness it is possible, when a conflict sparks, to pause and reflect on strong feelings and their origins. This alone can prevent a major battle.

If necessary, each partner can explore these original feelings on their own or with support. When the old stuff is felt, acknowledged, or even resolved, the present-day issue that triggered the conflict will be much clearer and easier to solve.

The awareness of old needs and pain in ourselves and others allows genuine compassion to arise. We understand better why we—and others—do the things we do. When we can feel the innocent, hurting child in each one of us, we can no longer wage war.