Crying
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Crying is essential to human health. Just as sweating is necessary for temperature regulation, crying is necessary for emotional regulation.
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Unfortunately, our society reacts to crying with fear and contempt. Crying is often seen as a lack of control—and a sign of weakness. Strong or prolonged bouts of crying are often considered a symptom of emotional illness, when in reality, they are usually the bodymind's attempt to heal.
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Natural systems—rivers, trees, or people—all require a steady flow of nutrients and energy, both in and out. If the flow is blocked in any way, problems occur.
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Crying is an essential outflow. When our systems are in pain, the destructive energy is pushed out through movement, sound, and crying. If we are holding onto older hurts and traumas, crying can get us in touch with those feelings and help us understand them, purge them, and rebalance.
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Unfortunately, our natural ability to cry—and thus to heal—has been suppressed. Crying is part of our emotional immune system, and we truly need to return to it.
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Many of us have forgotten how to fully cry. We may get a little weepy in a sad movie, or sniffle and drop a few tears during a touching song, but we often get the feeling there's a lot more. There are dripping taps, but there are also storms, monsoons—and hurricanes.
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It's common for me to hear phrases, such as, “If I allow myself to cry it'll never stop,” “My life would fall apart if I open those gates,” or, “When I get teary I feel like something bad will happen.”
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Why are all those tears there and what's holding them back?
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When children experience neglect and abuse their natural reaction is to cry. But if they're punished for crying—or no one cares—their bodies learn to tighten up and stop. And if these painful experiences continue, the tears—the need to release the pain—is stored up like water behind a dam. Over the years, that lake of dammed up tears gets bigger and bigger—along with the pressure.
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Trauma is, by definition, held pain. Each pain is connected to a situation that caused it. Many elements of that situation, including insignificant details, are recorded and held in memory. This means that any of those elements can be triggered into opening that memory. As an example, if you were badly bitten as a child by a fuzzy white dog, it's possible that similar things—like fuzzy white pillows— may unconsciously trigger the original fear of that event.
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Due to the architecture of memory and trauma, a person may have managed to suppress a lifetime of pain but can be suddenly triggered to tears. In cases like this, it's likely that something in the moment bears a strong resemblance to a trauma. At these times, the urge to cry—and the fear of a “flood”—may cause a person great distress.
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Our entire system, however, is built for these moments. We are designed to hold trauma when it is unsafe to express, and release it when the right opportunity arrives. Like carrying a stack of bricks for years, we are looking for any chance to unload them.
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Emotional healing isn't just about understanding, insight, and more effective action, it's also about unburdening our system of held pain—and crying is the natural mechanism for that. If we have the urge to cry—and a situation that will support it— simply crying can be relieving and healing. Sometimes it takes time, as each trauma load is unique, but I believe it's helpful to allow for crying when the need arises.
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Any authentic crying episode has value, from a few tears to a virtual storm. It's important to recognize that powerful crying—as you may have seen children do—is natural. It may take time and “practice,” however, for it to feel helpful rather than destabilizing.
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Uninhibited crying is often loud to the point of wailing. Tears and mucous flow and the body is wracked with involuntary shudders, deep breathing, and movement. There can be a physical sense of pressure and pain that both propels the cry and is being relieved by it. In its full expression, crying is an involuntary response, something not directed or controlled by the thinking brain.
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As children, many of us were shamed for crying, and were often punished for our "weakness." When we cry now, it may feel terribly vulnerable and embarrassing. We may need a non-judgmental witness who will support us as we let our feelings flow. When we discover that the process is safe, our crying can transform into the natural healing it's meant to be.