Homework: Self Study
When we have problems that repeat or don't easily resolve, its normal for us to give a lot of thought to these issues. Unfortunately, thinking and worrying about problems often doesn't lead to better understanding or successful solutions.
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In session clients often share the history of their problems to help me better understand the situation. Sometimes those histories extend back to childhood, connecting those early experiences with the present day issue. I will either write notes during session—or afterwards if note-taking will interfere with my full attention. When necessary, I sometimes ask clients to write a short biography as an informative “map” for my understanding of them.
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A personal biography often allows me to see a present problem and all the “streams and rivers” from the past that feed it. When the whole “map” is drawn, the complex of factors become visible, like a series of rivers, mountains, swamps and jungles. And, as with a good map, the path out of the wilderness can be found and travelled.
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When worrying and obsessing over our history is exhausting and discouraging, it can be better to shift focus toward things that are relieving and uplifting. In such a case, self study may not be ideal. If, however, a structured exploration might lead to understanding and a sense of agency, self study is worth considering.
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The Short Biography
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The first step is to write a short personal biography. It can be under 2000 words—or more if you wish. Feel free to use point form or full sentences.
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1) Begin with your mother and father's situation before and around your conception. If relevant, include information about the dynamics of their own families.
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2) Write anything notable about:
a) your mother's pregnancy with you, as well as her life experience at the time, b) the perinatal period—just before your birth, the birth itself, and the post-birth period,
c) your infancy and family before you could walk and talk,
d) your life from then until you went to school.
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3) After you started school through your teen years, note anything that seems significant: difficult events, family dynamics, peer issues, or troubling day-to-day realities.
* be sure to mention notable relationships with your mother, father, guardians, siblings, significant extended family members, teachers, coaches, clergy, etc.
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4) Through your adult life to the present, note significant events, relationships, children, career realities, injuries, procedures, medications, etc.
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This exercise may be emotionally difficult. There may be things you don't know and need to ask family members about. The exercise itself may bring informative feelings and insights.
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Perspective
Some may find it difficult to be objective about their childhood because, even if
dysfunctional, it was their normal.
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The culture of my extended family and those of my friends was one of minimal affection and contact—that was our normal. When I was 5, my cat Suzie had a litter of kittens and my world turned upside down. Here was a little family that purred, played together, rubbed up against each other, and slept together in a big pile—and I loved it. I finally had a natural mammal model in front of my eyes and in my heart.
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Doctors can recognize a spinal disorder because they have seen the X-ray of a healthy spine. To understand ourselves we also need to know what a natural, healthy, mammalian childhood is like.
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The instructions on a seed packet show a range of conditions within which a young plant will grow strong and healthy. That optimal range of needs is essential to know, whether we're dealing with a tomato seed, a wolf cub, or a human child.
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The observation and study of natural humans from history—and living today—reveal that all human children have 4 basic needs.
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The Basic Needs
1) Physical
• Safety and protection with sufficient food, clothing, and shelter.
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Physical safety and protection does not only save a child from injury. A community and family who provide this allow the child to relax, explore and grow well. Without this protection, fear and chronic stress exhaust and corrode a young child's bodymind, interrupting growth and resulting in dysfunctional survival patterns that persist into adulthood and interfere with life. Sufficient nourishment allows children to grow strong, and obviously a lack does the opposite.
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2) Emotional
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• Unconditional love, appreciation, respect, and affection.
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Humans are social beings, which means we need to care for, support, and regulate each other through physical contact and affection. In fact, our breathing, heart rate and nervous systems are regulated through close, caring contact with each other. Love isn't just a sweet feeling, it is a powerful, enlivening, bonding force that feeds emotional and physical health.
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3) Family
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• Acceptance, stability, and guidance.
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In all small tribal societies, babies are not only breastfed for a while, they are regularly held close (the “in arms” period) by parents and family until they can crawl and walk. All family members work, eat, and sleep together, often in regular physical contact.
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Young children are appreciated for the little miracles that they are, challenges and all. The circle of family contact and care is broad, with many relationships and supports, unlike the isolation and stresses of the modern nuclear and sub-nuclear family.
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These natural super-family circles have rich, stable networks of care, knowledge, guidance, and skills that are passed along from elder to younger.
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4) Freedom
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• Explore perceptions, feelings, creativity, and boundaries.
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Children have one “job”—to explore and discover their loves and abilities through the freedom to play—which is fun. This profound fun, this play, which we witness in all young animals, is not a luxury. Fun play is an evolution-honed, highly efficient way to grow, learn, and test for strengths, weaknesses, and all the hard realities that will bring a child to optimal adulthood. The sensible modern advocates of “free play” are not rebelling against structure, they are allowing their children a powerful time- tested tool to discover themselves and be their very best.
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Comparing these elemental basic needs to our own childhood may be both enlightening and upsetting. The truth is, however—the truth. If our personal history has indeed led us to our present problems, knowing these hard truths is an essential aspect of our growth towards a better life.
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Connections and Patterns
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Knowing the basic needs of a tomato plant will allow us to recognize why the tomato we have is wilted—and what we need to provide or remove to bring it to full health. When taking care of ourselves, the same is true.
The next step in self study is—with compassionate curiosity—recognizing the differences between an ideal childhood and our own. This may take time, but it will certainly explain a lot.
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Knowing this, we can track our biography and see how circumstances and events caused deficits and pressures, and how those forces created patterns that overlapped and rolled out like waves across our lives.
Study your biography. Compare it to natural mammalian life. Take note of patterns that show up in different situations. Jot down insights and possibilities.
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Look, as if from high above, the landscape of your life. See the rivers, ponds, fields, swamps, rolling hills, and steep mountains. Perhaps you will start to notice where bridges can be built, roads can be repaired, rivers can be travelled, and mountain passes can be crossed.
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Studying yourself can be difficult, but better understanding delivers more personal power to your process.