Parenting: Part 3 - Freedom, Limits

Parenting: Part 3 - Freedom, Limits, and Trust

Profound Wildness

All hominids have a 2 million (2,000,000) year old legacy of natural wildness as hunter-gatherers. The civilization we know—larger communities organized around agriculture and commerce—is no more than 10,000 years old. And the modern era of sub-nuclear families, dual parent careers, daycare toddlers, and digital gadgets is less than 50 years old.

So try this thought experiment. You are going to experience a time map of our ancient history—2 million years condensed in 24 hours.

You start the time map by sitting in a chair outside where you can see the sky. At 12 noon the map starts. You do nothing but sit there and experience the time passing (bathroom breaks included). Approximately every 4 seconds 100 years (4 generations) of our history passes. The seconds pass and the minutes pass. One long hour passes—it's now 1 pm—and 83,333 years have passed, and we slowly move forward, second by second, minute by minute, through the long hours of the afternoon. Then the evening, then the sunset, and at midnight, sitting in that chair, 1 million years have past and we are still wild hunter-gatherers living in our small, tight-knit extended family clan.

Time keeps ticking, the stars keep slowly turning overhead throughout the unbelievably long night until the dawn rises and the sun comes up—and we're still living in a little hunter-gatherer band. 9 am comes up and we're still wild. 10 and 11 am—still wild. 23 hours have passed—1 million, nine hundred sixteen thousand six hundred and sixty six years—and we're still wild. 11:30 am—coming up to the 12 noon, 24 hour mark—still wild. 11:45 am—still wild.

Then at 11:53—seven minutes before the bell—a few of us get less wild and start to grow grain, live in larger groups, city states and empires, build ships, cars, planes, and then at 11:59:58—after 23 hours, 59 minutes and 58 seconds—in the last 2 seconds . . . the recent 50 years flashes by and we are here.

What does this all mean? It means that our physiology, our brains, our reactions and our instincts have been naturally wild—not modern—until “2 seconds” ago. And that means that when our babies are born they are fully, naturally wild. If your baby was raised in a hunter-gatherer tribe right now they would fit right in.

And what does that mean for parenting? It means that what you have on your hands is a naturally wild child growing up in a shockingly new modern world. They want to yell, scream, laugh our loud, throw food, piss on the rug, climb the curtains and do whatever the energy coursing in them demands. Have you ever seen little raccoons at play? They run, tumble, chase each other, bite their mother's tail, scream and purr (yes, they purr). And if you happen to get little raccoons in your house, they will open jars, cupboards, food bags, hiss and bite if you try to stop them, and generally wreck the place. Of course, it's not their fault—or your kids—they're wild.

For about 99.9% of human developmental history, children grew up mostly exploring the world “outside” where they can't accidentally tip over and break a glass of milk or drop your phone in the toilet. But here we are.

Understand—and appreciate—that your children start out wild.

Do not blame/shame them for their wildness.

Do not blame/shame them for what they want to do—or not do.

Limits and Family Health

If our children are wild, what do we do? Let them take over the place and wreck it like raccoons?

No. We guide them lovingly from self-focused wildness to family-focused cooperation. We walk with them on their compressed evolutionary journey from biting reptile to social mammal.

With clarity, appreciation, love, and confidence we need to:

1) make room for their initial wildness,

2) gradually present reasonable and consistent limits,

3) ease them into our family culture,

4) guide them toward a balance of limits/cooperation and individuality/freedom.

The most powerful element in this journey is the bond between parent and child— which is a primitive life/death need. If the bond of love, affection, and trust is strong, a child will never push limits so far as to endanger that bond.

The next most important element is the maturity and functionality of the parents and family. If dysfunction prevails, children will see this and neither trust nor follow our guidance. They may resist, rebel, or hide their authentic selves, all of which are self- preservation—or a cry for help. So again, as a parent, your own emotional health and maturity are an essential responsibility.

In summary, if children are bonded and feel comfortable in the family, they will respond to limits and guidance.

The Balance to Limits and Freedom

Infants are simple. They are a primitive bundle of needs that must be met or they fuss and cry. Their upper cortex—thinking brain—is not remotely developed so they are not strategically manipulative, as some cynical “experts” say. They have primitive urges and want them met. Do the best you can with that.

As they get mobile, give them as much latitude to explore and experience as you can allow. It's a balance of safety versus risk where too much safety/coddling results in weakness and too much risk/neglect results in injury. Offer as much outside nature experience as possible. At this stage when a limit is imposed, such as “no” to a certain item, be calm but decisive. If their frustration results in crying or an energy explosion, be understanding, and present, but don't give in—unless your original limit was a true mistake. Otherwise that pattern—I scream and get what I want—will be imprinted and used again. Refrain from any anger or insult. Insulting a toddler for wanting something is like insulting a storm for blowing. It's senseless.

When children become fully active and vocal, setting limits evolves. The most important thing is to believe in the limit you are setting so that if you get pushback you don't get confused and back down, which sets a precedent. If you think you have overstepped on a limit, be flexible, adjust and try again.

It's often useful to inform children of limits in advance because their immature nervous system is likely to overreact if surprised: “Just letting you know we're getting ready for bed soon.” If they protest when the limit is set, be understanding— after all they just want to continue having fun. It can be helpful to put your understanding into words, such as, “I know this is fun, but you need your sleep.” Don't expect them to agree—the point is to let them know you “get it.”

Don't get caught up in argument—that's just a confident child's way of tangling you up and prolonging the play! I believe that one short, simple explanation is sufficient —even solidifying your family culture, by saying something like, “That's what we do in this family.” After that, you use your parental authority—based on your experience as an adult who manages a complex daily life—to do what needs to be done. This can all be taken care of without physical punishment.

It's very important that limit-setting is never a judgment on the child. You're the adult, the parent, you set the limit and you own it. If you want them to clean their room you say, “I want you to clean your room this morning,“ rather than, “You're lazy for not wanting to clean your room.” If the kids are chasing around laughing, you say, “This is getting too loud for me, I'd like you to take it outside,” rather than, “What's wrong with you, can't you be more quiet?”

If this type of ownership is maintained, kids get it. They don't feel bad about themselves and they learn that there are factual limits in this world. If they touch the cat's tail and he gives them a dirty look, they get it—the cat has his boundaries and crossing them will have consequences. They don't hate the cat and they don't hate themselves. Lesson learned and self-esteem maintained.

Limits, Consequences, and Advocacy

All things in life are defined by boundaries (edges), whether they are rocks, birds, or people. Limits are simply an aspect of these boundaries.

If I touch a boulder, I experience its boundary and discover that my hand cannot go further. If I cross the boundary of a stream by walking into it, my feet get wet. If I talk mean to my Dad, he'll be unhappy, and I like it better when we get along. If I don't do my chores after Mom gave me a warning, she'll probably take my phone, so it's better if I do them.

Some modern parents don't like giving consequence boundaries for limit violations because they think it's too arbitrary and mean. Life however, has consequences, and the sooner children discover the true nature of things—that some things are soft, others are hard, some yield and others hit back—the better they will navigate life in a beneficial way. The key is setting reasonable limits and fair consequences, paying

attention to the results and adjusting to maintain that balance of family harmony and personal freedom.

As children grow older you can start sharing authority by including them in decisions about simple things. As their ideas get clearer and more effective you will find their perspectives helpful and they will feel like a valued member of the family.

When kids are whining about something, introduce them to self-advocacy. Tell them, “You can advocate for yourself. If you're unhappy about this and have a better idea, let me know.” If they can get the self-advocacy “muscle” working, the whole family will benefit and they will learn that they have power and can direct their lives.

Societal Protection

Most parents I deal with are most confused and frightened by the negative influences they see aimed at their children from school, peers, and social media.

In these matters, the first thing I want to know is the bond and relationship with their children. I cannot emphasize enough that this is the most powerful protection of all. If your children have a close, caring, affectionate, and trusting relationship with you they will always look to you for guidance, trust your interpretation of the situation, follow your guidance, and respect the limits and consequences you set.

If you were on a mountain trek with an experienced and trusted sherpa who shouted, “Don't move!” you would stop. Why? Because they know more than you— and you know that—so you trust them to make important decisions. In the life of your children you need to be their sherpa, and you need to earn that trust with your behaviour.

Trust.

Trust is not a word that means automatic obedience. Trust is a state of mind that occurs when we have experienced something or someone behaving in a consistent way over time. Trust is the natural result of that repetition.

We trust the sun to come up in the morning because it always has. If it popped up anytime, we wouldn't trust it. So if you, as a parent, are reliable, steady, and dependable, and the outcome of your directions and guidance have been reliable, you will therefore be trustworthy, and your children will simply trust you. Trust is not something you can force—it all flows out naturally from your history of behaviour. Look to yourself again and be sure you are someone worthy of trust. If not, work at it.

This is why basic parenting often emphasizes consistency. The world is a very mysterious place to young children and they can relax—and trust their world—if parents can make it dependable in everything from daily routines and meals to limits and consequences.

When it comes to powerful societal influences, the first thing is to thoroughly research and understand these things—and take a solid position for yourself. Then, knowing your children, you can guide them with information and limits. If there is dubious propaganda coming from school, peers, and media you can explain what you see in ways they can understand, and they are likely to believe you. They will respect and follow your limits if you are reasonable and don't fault them for their interest or the powerful drive to fit with their peers.

One of the most difficult lines a parent walks is to balance peer social status drives with the limits you set. It is ancient and natural for preteens and teens to push for anything that will give them a rise in status with their peers. This powerful drive— that feels almost like life-and-death to them—comes from the primitive truth that to be outcast from the tribe is to die in the wilderness. So if they assume their social status is threatened (even over apparently silly things) it feels very emotionally and physically immediate to them. The potential loss of parents and family, however, is an even more powerful counterweight. When the bond with your children is strong, they will always choose you over running away with their peers— or some teenage fling. Many teen disasters could have been prevented with the existence of a tight child-parent bond.

Conclusion

Hopefully this overview of the basics of natural parenting will act as a springboard for your own questions and exploration.

This vast topic is fascinating to me because each child is unique yet every child is the same. Every fingerprint is different yet the overall form is the same. This sameness— these evolutionary patterns of growth—have been repeating for 2 million years and no amount of shiny modern inventions can change that.

The ancient patterns of child-parent connection are as solid in us as our spine and tiny evolutionary tailbone. If we tune in to that ancient bonding code—to adore our children and for them to look up to us—the path of parenting can be the most fulfilling experience of all.