Parts Work and Inner Conflict: Part 1 - The Parts

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You need to get the work done, but some part of you gets distracted. You plan to exercise, but find other things to do. You want to work on your relationship, but you keep thinking of leaving. You like the security of the job, but you hate going to work. You argue with yourself and say, "I should," "I shouldn't," "I ought to," "I'm going to," "I don't know," They're such fools,” and, "I'm an idiot."

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Welcome to the world of inner conflict.

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Inner conflict wastes tremendous energy. One foot is on the gas and the other is on the brake. There is a list of deadlines and nothing's getting done.

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Coming up with a better idea rarely solves inner conflict. A new resolution usually results in another contest between our conflicting parts. Every time we try—and fail —our inner critic part makes us feel worse.

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Inner conflicts are always characterized by struggles between different parts of ourselves. Since we are individuals, how can this be?

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Original Integration

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All animals, including humans, are designed to begin life fully integrated. All cells and organs—all parts—are built to be in constant communication through bio-electro- chemical message systems. We consist of trillions of cells that are in regular contact and conversation. If the cells don't work together illness is the result.

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This type of biologic harmony can be seen in wild animals, as well as children who are respected, loved, supported and allowed to be who they are. These children have no doubts, and no inner conflicts. They feel what they feel, want what they want, and never doubt the validity of that—because it is what it is. They may get angry when they can't get something, but they don't doubt themselves.

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Such children are feelingaware—completely interconnected. This natural state must be maintained through a window of needs within flexible boundaries of safety and family respect.

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Like all plants and animals, children have essential needs that must be met for them to grow into balanced adults. These needs are not absolute. Parents don't have to be “perfect.” The window of needs has a ”good enough” size. Deliver below that window, however, and neglect/abuse occurs. Deliver above the window (too much), you get indulgence/character dysfunction.

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Feelingaware parents don't believe that little kids are bad or inadequate, or that they have to be forced to grow up. They know that children are initially self-centered but evolve naturally into cooperative members of the family with supportive guidance. As part of a social mammal family structure, children need their self-centered drives to be managed with flexible boundaries created and maintained by adult family members. This keeps children safe while teaching them the connected care and respect that allows mammalian groups to exist in high-functioning harmony.

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Unfortunately, if children have their natural growth process inhibited by parental manipulation and coercion, they suffer great pain and confusion. In a barrage of do's and don'ts, shoulds and shouldn'ts, humiliations and punishments, they are constantly harassed to be something they are not.

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A plant in the dark will stretch itself out of shape to reach the sun. And children will stretch themselves into something else to get a semblance of love and appreciation— and at the very least—avoid blame and punishment.

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Dis-integrating Into Parts

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Under this type of pressure, unified selves will often diverge into different parts—subpersonalities—to lessen the social friction and gain acceptance. It may be the "good girl" for Mom, the “tomboy” for Dad, the “smart one” for Teacher, and the “party girl” for peers.

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Subpersonalities sometimes mimic the patterns of primary adults. How often have you rolled your eyes and mumbled to yourself, "What were you thinking?" If you observe the mental chatter of these inner conflicts, the "voices" are likely similar to the voices of Mom, Dad or other judgmental adults from your past. In order to avoid trouble and punishment many of us created a “parent” part that now scolds the “playful child” part to get things done.

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We couldn't be what we were, so we split into parts to please everyone else. We grow up with these parts at war and don't know who we are. We don't know what feeling is right, what thought makes sense, what action is best, or which people to love. We make lists of pros and cons but still can't decide. We ask everyone else for advice and become more confused. We do what we're "supposed to," but things don't get better.

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Subpersonalities

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When children can't be themselves for fear of punishment or neglect, they attempt to change, and "act" in ways that will please their parents. In this society, this is generally accepted as necessary "training" in order to whip "unruly," "unmannered," and "uncivilized" children into shape.

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Whether we like it or not, training makes children act differently than what they are. An act is an act—it is a false set of behaviours that sits like a mask over the "face" of the person acting. In ancient Greek theatre, the actors wore masks with protruding, horn-shaped mouths to project their voices to the crowd. The mask was called a persona, translated as through sound. Since that time, the word persona has been used to indicate the various acts or masks that cover our true selves.

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In modern society, acting behaviour is considered a normal part of human nature, and our "personality" (a false self) is considered a good thing. We don't begin to question this false personality until troubles pile up and we don't know what we really believe, need, want—or who we really are.

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Unfortunately, children under pressure don't create just one false personality. They have so many different expectations that more masks are required. In fact, they usually create a main personality and a few other "subpersonalities." In the extreme, this personality-splitting manifests itself as Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), or what was popularly known as Multiple Personality Disorder. When a person becomes this fragmented, the different personalities often act without knowledge of the others. Needless to say, it is a debilitating condition that most of us don't experience.

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I have never met anyone who doesn't have at least two subpersonalities. If you argue with yourself, you're experiencing this phenomenon.

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Subpersonalities manifest themselves as patterns of behaviour that appear during different circumstances or times of stress. They are often characterized by differing behaviour patterns, trains of thought, or "thought voices."

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Moods and inner conflicts are often indications of parts in action. The different "mood" is often a subpersonality. When parts of us argue, they often have distinct tones, physical postures, and behaviours. It's usually easier to witness this phenomenon in others. In fact, that may be a good place to start.

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Subpersonalities were alluded to by: Freud in his theory of personality structures that included the id, ego, and superego; Eric Berne in his Transactional Analysis theory of the inner child, adult, and inner parent; Fritz Perls in his Gestalt theory of the topdog and underdog; Robert Louis Stevenson in his book The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

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It may be troubling to consider that we have split aspects, but in my life, the discovery of subpersonalities was a tremendous relief. I finally understood certain aspects of my behaviour and was able to apply compassionate curiosity rather than the usual confusion and self-criticism.

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The word heal comes from the Old English word hal and the Greek word holos, which both mean "to make whole or complete." The word religion is made of the latin roots re and ligare (join) which means to re-join, bring together, or unite. It is an archetypal human drive to connect that which has been split apart. When we are split into subpersonalities, it's natural to move toward unity. We don't have to live this way forever.

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Since it is a lack of fundamental acceptance that forced us to split, it is the acceptance of who we are, even in our troubles, that will reverse the process. By understanding, accepting, and working with our subpersonalities, the conflicts between them can begin to dissolve.

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Knowing Your Parts/Subpersonalities

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Most people are very aware of the moods, eccentricities, acts, or special "ways" of our family members, friends, and co-workers. How many times have you said or heard statements such as:

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"I hate it when he gets all high-and-mighty!"

"There she goes again, acting the clown!"

"Here comes Mr. Encyclopedia."
"That sweet-little-girl act drives me crazy!"

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Sometimes we will consciously put on an act to meet a certain challenging situation, but usually we are unaware of the parts we “play.” Subpersonalities literally become "second nature." They rise and fall in response to various stresses and triggers in our lives. Unfortunately, "second nature" is just another phrase for "unconscious." And that which remains unconscious will continue to affect our lives in unpredictable ways.

 

As with all self-development, the first step is recognition. In the case of subpersonalities, recognition often begins with the process of identifying our different parts. It is often easier to first recognize the subpersonalities in others. When we can do that, our own parts will become more obvious. The following is a list of subpersonality “titles” offered by some colleagues of mine that can act as a starting point. Since it is common for people to label their parts with gender-based language (eg., Bad Boy, Bad Girl) you'll see some of that here.​​