Shame

Guilt is the feeling and self-judgment that you've done something wrong.

Shame, however, is the feeling and self-judgment that you are wrong.

Shame says, “I am bad,” “I am useless,” “I am worthless,” “I am evil.”

Shame is an existential judgment. It's a terrible feeling and devastating state of mind.

Should

There are many degrees of shame, and most are rooted in the idea that you should be different. Should is a very damaging concept because it denies reality. Should implies that things—in the moment—ought to be different than they are. It's saying the sky ought to be clear when it's raining, the traffic should be flowing when it's stopped—or a 5-year-old should know how to do multiplication tables when they can't.

What if teenagers don't finish their chores? Does it help to say, “You should have done that,” or “You should know better?” No. It misses reality, and in doing so, keeps miscommunication and conflict going.

Let's imagine a teen, John, is truly being resistant and doesn't want to clean the kitchen.

A reality-based interaction may sound like this:

Father: Bob, you didn't clean the kitchen.

Bob: No, I didn't feel like it—I was shooting hoops.

Father: Okay, I understand that hoops are more fun than cleaning, but I can't start dinner until the area is clear. If I have to do that and make dinner, you're not getting any, and I won't bother driving you to your friend's house.

Bob: Oh, okay, I'll do it now.

Father: Thanks, let me know when it's done.

This is an example of a factual event and a factual exchange about family cooperation. Bob ignored the cleaning to play basketball because it was more fun, which is completely understandable, though negligent of the needs of the family. His dad is not happy about it, and lets Bob know by stating the effect Bob's decision has on him and the situation as a whole (dinner). The consequences of not helping out are presented and Bob makes a choice to do the chore.

Shaming was not required to set things in order. In fact, if Dad had shamed Bob these negative effects might have occurred:

1) Bob feels bad about himself and believes he is truly lazy when he's not (he actively does the things he likes)
2) Bob is angry and carries resentment of his father for shaming him and not understanding his needs

3) Bob feels powerless under his father's shaming and misses the whole point—that families function better when duties are shared
4) mutual appreciation suffers and the relationship becomes more distant

This very mild example shows that blind judgment and shaming are detrimental because every time we use the word “should” we deny reality, we lose understanding, and worse, we build false opinions about people and situations.

When a parent tells a child "you should know that," it is a recipe for craziness. It makes as much sense as saying "you should have three feet." The truth is that the child—at that point, for some reason—doesn't know. That is reality. Deal with the facts, take constructive actions if necessary, but shame is not a healthy option.

Parents need to ask themselves—do I know everything? Can I do everything? Can I be everything? How many of us hate being belittled by professors, doctors, police, and bosses? It would be helpful to recognize that by shaming children we are being hypocrites. It would be far more practical to start treating our children the

way we would like to be treated.

Acceptance and Judgment

Love is acceptance—of reality. Shaming is a denial of reality. Therefore, shame is hate.

In acceptance, we can be what we are and grow naturally from there. In shame, we deny what we are (hate ourselves) and enter a hopeless struggle to be different. When we struggle to be different than what we are, we suppress the natural growth and improvement process. When we truly accept what is, a paradox occurs—change.

When you feel bad or shameful, ask yourself "according to whose judgment?"

Even though self-shame may be your judgment now, reflection will show that it came from the judgments of others. If their judgments were different than what you actually were, however, they were wrong. That's reality. If they said that you were stupid (implying that you should have known), they were wrong—every time. Reality was that you knew what you knew. If your knowledge wasn't adequate for them, it was their issue and could have been dealt with in a more constructive and loving way.

Acceptance not Resignation

If we have a problem and want to change, many of us believe that change will only occur if we use the whip of shame. Unfortunately, shame is a bad feeling that part of our system wants to escape, which undermines all our efforts at so-called discipline. This is cycle much like addiction:

1) we shame ourselves to stop the “bad” thing

2) we apply discipline and abstinence
3) our system builds up stress
4) the stress undermines our will power

5) we partake in the “bad” thing to escape stress

6) we “wake up” to what we have done

RESTART AT #1

If self-shaming worked, none of us would have problems.

Does this mean I need to accept I'll always be this way?

No. that would be resignation—an unrealistic future projection.

Acceptance means you acknowledge that this is the way you are now. Acceptance does not mean change will never happen because, paradoxically, change is a constant. In fact, shame slows the process of change down. If you start a race thinking, “I'm no good, I'll never make it,” that bad feeling will sap your energy and make you run slower.

If we accept ourselves as we are—seeing reality—we will be motivated to look at things clearly and do things naturally, unburdened by the weight of shame.

Consider this alternative:

1) I can't run very well anymore (acceptance)
2) How did this happen? (compassionate curiosity)
3) Life has been too busy this year (non-judgmental assessment)
4) The excess busyness led to me goofing off more (non-judgmental understanding)

5) I'd like to ease off the busyness (reasonable solution to the cause)
6) I want to gradually use the extra time to run (reasonable attempt at change)
7) I will start a short journal to see how I'm doing (compassionate awareness)

This type of approach doesn't mean all problems will disappear, but if this general attitude is maintained, problems can be assessed and adjusted with a greater likelihood of positive improvement.

Early Origins

The problem with shame is that it becomes more than an idea. It becomes a huge overall feeling projection that can distort our perception of reality. We may know, intellectually, that our shame is unrealistic but be unable to shake the feeling/thought that we are fundamentally bad. We can't help but interpret everything as a sign of our worthlessness. The badness feels like it's in every cell.

I have discovered that most shame comes from the child's undeveloped brain and its limited ability to differentiate. If a parent is upset with a child, this upset—the angry eyes, the loud voice, the disgusted look—creates an atmosphere of unhappiness and tension. The event becomes a huge "bad" feeling that overwhelms the child's ability to recognize it's the adult's issue—not hers. She feels bad = she is bad. Her whole self—body to brain—is stained with the badness of the parental abuse.

The most insidious shame is created in the earliest stages of life, from conception to infancy. If the pregnant mother is chronically angry, depressed, or anxious, the unborn baby marinates in a hormonal soup of "badness." When people say, "I have always felt I was bad and that the whole world is a dangerous place," they are often unconsciously talking about their womblife, birth, or early infancy when, in fact, the baby's “universe” was terrible. This type and level of shame seems to transcend specific events of abuse or neglect. These are the feelings often mistakenly labelled as "genetic," the ones that unfortunately convince people they were "born bad."

Shame, like any feeling, carries its origins and resolution within it. It requires acceptance, attention, compassionate curiosity, feeling expression, and guidance towards a more reality-based, feelingaware way of being.